I’m home alone on a Saturday night. Just had a Kevin McCallister moment at the top of the stairs when I realised how quiet it was. Now I’m watching My Best Friend’s Wedding on Netflix whilst eating sushi. Yeah baby.
I haven’t been in a good place recently so here goes. Not long ago something triggered a shit load of anxiety in my life and that’s how it’s been … shit. Yep I’m swearing. Because there is no filter for anxiety.
Usually I’m able to manage it. If I’m in a situation and it bubbles up, I can suppress the urge to essentially ‘give myself’ to a panic attack. I just couldn’t do it this time and it scared me. Even after the panic attack passed I felt so unsettled, like I couldn’t sit still.
Anyway I decided to find a therapist and immerse myself in proper help. Help that I think I’ve needed for a really long time. I want to share my experience of therapy so far. If there’s someone reading this who feels totally lost, let this be your reassurance for the day … you’re never ever alone.
That’s how my therapist has made me feel. Less lonely. Before taking this step I didn’t realise how much I needed to talk to her. Mean girls at school (and that’s putting it nicely), panic attacks, my mum’s illness a few years ago … there are so many things I’ve bottled up.
Every week I felt lighter after a session, which was how I expected to feel. But then a few days later I’d feel so troubled. It was like those past, bad feelings were very much real and present again. Now I kind of feel like all those things needed to work their way out of my system. Maybe I had to re-live them in order to say goodbye to them.
I’d recommend therapy. I’ve found that paying for it and essentially picking the person I talk to is just what I needed.
One of the things I try to employ in my life everyday now is acceptance. Accepting who I am I mean. It doesn’t come naturally yet but I’ll get there. My therapist suggested that if I was the person I want to be (panic free, confident, less sensitive) maybe I’d lose my other qualities. Maybe I wouldn’t be so loyal to friends. What if this vulnerability inside me makes me wildly creative? Perhaps my cakes wouldn’t be so special without it. There’s an enormity of qualities which make each of us who we are, we should learn to love them all.
I don’t know if this blogpost has been useful to anyone but I’m going to keep going. Here’s a list of things which help me when I’m ‘anxious’:
Podcasts galore. I flipping love them. My favourite at the moment is called ‘The High Low’.
Walking. This is my favourite time of year and nothing heals me quite like autumn at it’s finest.
Cake making. I’m trying to soak up the creative process of every cake I make. Before it became my job, it was my hobby and I’m kind of falling in love with it all over again.
Good, inspiring, doesn’t make you feel crap, instagram feed. Favourite accounts at the moment:
@oldjoy @kate.lavie @livpurvis @mrsgifletcher @madeleine_shaw_ @fionalamb @nectarandstone @lissyroddy @erica_davies @haleydrewthis
Some are lifestyle, some fashion, all inspiring, all women (unplanned).
Meditation. I’ve watched Madeleine Shaw’s videos for so long. Recently she released some audio meditations. You can download them to your phone and listen to them anywhere/anytime.
Embracing this time of year. There is so much to look forward to this end of the year. It’s been halloween, I hear fireworks as I type and it’s not long till Christmas. I’m going to make the most of it allllllll.
You are so welcome to email me about anything I’ve talked about. Loads of love to all the people that are super strong and don’t even realise it.
Just keep smiling.
Dinner's never looked so good.
Last night I watched the Brentwood fireworks. Beautiful as ever. I'm in love with this time of year!